Joke of the Day

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kellory
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby kellory » Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:42 pm

A young woman was seated at an out door cafe, when a strange prosession came down the street. A hearse, a woman walking a pit bull, another hearse, then a line of women walking single file behind the hearses. The young woman was curious, and walked up to the woman with the dog and asked "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but may I ask what is going on here?" The woman said " That is my husband in the first hearse, and his mistress in the second. The dog found them together, and killed them both." The young woman thought for a moment then asked " could I borrow that dog?" And was answered with "GET IN LINE!"
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.

woodsalta
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby woodsalta » Wed Aug 17, 2011 3:37 pm

A guy goes to his doctor to get his yearly check up only to find that his regular doctor has retired and his practice was bought out by a beautiful young woman doctor. Wondering about the doctors qualifications, he asked her some questions to which she replied, "I graduated in the top percentile of my class, I have interned at some of the greatest hospitals in the country, trust me there isn't anything I can't handle. Now, what seems to be the problem? To which the old guy replies - "my wife says my penis tastes funny."
A man with a gun is a citizen, a man without a gun is a subject.

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kellory
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby kellory » Wed Aug 17, 2011 4:06 pm

A rich man know he is about to die, And he is determined to take it with him. He has three friends but he does not fully trust any one of them to put the money in the coffin with him. So he divides his money between them and tells each to watch the others to make sure they are true to their word. When the day come for the funeral, his first friend (the priest) puts a package in the coffin, along with the packages from the doctor, and his lawyer. The coffin is lowered, and buried, the service is said, and the mourners depart, except for the three friends. The priest is troubled, and decides to confess" I did not put the full amount into the package. I could not. There are so many people that need a helping hand to see GOD, I only put in half. I used the rest to help the church." The doctor says" You too? I had so many people who needed life saving medication and operations, I could not do it either. There is about a third of it in there, but the rest went to save lives !" The lawyer is outraged! "YOU WERE GIVEN A SACRED TRUST! YOU GAVE YOUR WORD, AND YOU FAILED HIM!" If you look in MY box, you will find my personal check for the WHOLE amount!
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.

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Ohio farms
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Ohio farms » Wed Aug 17, 2011 5:11 pm

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. Then other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. (get it?)

*I have more, but I will spare you.
Keep life simple...if you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.

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kellory
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby kellory » Wed Aug 17, 2011 6:43 pm

Uncle Sam and Bin Laudin are walking down the beach discussing the war, when one them kicks a rock and it clangs! It's a magic lamp! Out puffs the genie of the lamp, and announces, " I am required to give you wishes,but since there are two of you I will give you one wish each!" ME FIRST! ME FIRST! Shouts Bin Laudin, He is an infidel, he is unclean!" The genie looks at Uncle Sam who replies" You go right ahead." So the genie asks "What is your wish?" "I WANT A WALL AROUND AFGHANISTAN, NO ONE IN, NO ONE OUT! TOTAL ISOLATION, LEAVE US THE HECK ALONE!" Poof! There is a wall around Afghanistan! Says the genie!" "I am an engineer at heart, tell me about this wall....?" It is 1 mile high, and 3 miles thick, totally seamless, even radiation can't get through it!"The genie says with pride! "Well that is great, FILL IT WITH WATER!"
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.

woodsalta
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby woodsalta » Thu Aug 18, 2011 2:36 pm

Q: What do you call a dead blonde girl in a closet?
A: 1989 hide and seek champion.

Q: What goes VROOM, ERR, VROOM, ERR?
A: A blonde going driving through a blinking red light.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: How do you get a blonde to laugh on Monday?
A: Have her read these jokes on Friday.
A man with a gun is a citizen, a man without a gun is a subject.

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kellory
 
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Location: Ohio

Re: Joke of the Day

Postby kellory » Fri Aug 19, 2011 2:51 pm

5-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate..

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE…
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.

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Woods Walker
 
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Location: Northern Illinois

Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Woods Walker » Sat Aug 20, 2011 10:57 am

Carnation Milk

A little lady from Wisconsin had worked around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk -- with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores (1940s or '50s?), she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all..." She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms, I can do this!

She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much; we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."



Here is her entry:



================================

Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no sh*t to haul,
no buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bi**h!
Hunt Hard,

Kill Swiftly,

Waste Nothing,

Offer No Apologies.....

>>>--------------------------------->
NRA Endowment Life Member

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kellory
 
Posts: 2661
Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 3:01 pm
Location: Ohio

Re: Joke of the Day

Postby kellory » Sat Aug 20, 2011 10:52 pm

A city slicker is passing a farmer with a pig, when he notices the pig has only three legs and a finely carved, ingraved, inlaid, peg leg! The farmer saw him staring and said," That there, is a HERO PIG, He saved all our lives!" REALLY?" says the slicker, "how did he do that?" "Why, the farm house caught fire in the middle of the night, and he knocked down his pen wall, stormed the house, broke down the front door, and dragged each of us down the stairs, and out on the front lawn, then went back in for another one, and another one, until he got us all out in the fresh air! Without him, we would have surely died!" " Now, that is truly amazing! says the slicker, did he lose the leg in the fire?" NAW, YOU DON'T EAT A HERO PIG ALL AT ONCE!!!
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.

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Woods Walker
 
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Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 10:21 am
Location: Northern Illinois

Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Woods Walker » Sun Aug 21, 2011 8:18 pm

This may be a bit over the top, but it's too good not to share............



Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy
coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests
him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her
motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun.. Blonde Men do exist.
Hunt Hard,

Kill Swiftly,

Waste Nothing,

Offer No Apologies.....

>>>--------------------------------->
NRA Endowment Life Member

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