Joke of the Day

[passin through]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?' Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for Congress.[/align]

[passin through]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north   about 9 months ago ?"


"Yes, I do." said Bob


"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"


"Well, um, yes !," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."


"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."




(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?..)

[Woods Walker]

This young man had just started deer hunting, and had yet to be successful. He met a man who owned some land, and was invited to go deer hunting there the following season.
 
He arrived early opening morning at the landowners house, and while drinking a cup of coffee with him was told,
 
"There's quite a few deer along the south edge of my property, and if I were you, I'd try there. But.....I warn you, my neighbor along that side is old farmer Swenson, and he can be REAL ornery, so you'd best to stay out of his way."
 
The young man thanked him for the advice, and with the excitement about making him burst, he set out. It was about an hour after dawn, when the young man had an 8 pointer come out of some brush, and offer him a standing broadside shot at 40 yards. He fired, and the deer ran hard, blood spurting out of his chest, headed right for the property fence, jumped over it and dropped dead.
 
The young man was shaking with joy. He REALLY wanted his first deer, and now it was his. Not a giant buck by any means, but a nice representative 8 pointer. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself, unloaded his rifle, set it on the ground, and then stepped through the fence to get his deer.
 
He hadn't even gotten the other foot through the fence, when 6'5", 280 pounds of farmer Swenson appeared out of nowhere, and growled,
 
'Hey boy! Just wot-in-ell do you think yer doin!'
 
'Uhh...sorry sir, but that's the deer I just shot', replied the young man.
 
'I can see that!", said Swenson, 'But it's on MY land!'
 
'But sir, the young man appealed, 'It's my very first deer, and I did shoot it over on this side, and he's not more than a few feet over the fence. It'd really mean a lot to me to have that deer.'
 
'I tell you what', said Swenson, 'We can settle this like men. I get to give you one good hard kick in the groin. If you can stay on your feet, then you get to kick ME in the groin. If I stay on my feet, then I keep the deer.'
 
The young man wasn't too thrilled about this, as Swenson was a big 'ol boy, but this was his very first deer, and he wanted it SOOOO bad.......
 
'OK', the young man agreed, 'Let's do it.'
 
They squared off, and the young man gritted his teeth for what was about to come. Swenson came up with a big kick that lifted the young man clear off the ground about a foot in the air! He doubled over in extreme agony, gasping for breath, with spasms of pain coursing through him.
 
But he did manage to stay on his feet. He REALLY wanted that deer!
 
He eventually was able to stand up...almost....and with all the grit he could muster, he said to Swenson, 'OK' now it's MY turn, 'A deal's a deal'.
 
Swenson just looked at him with a wry grin, and said,
 
'Aw, keep the damned deer. I didn't want him anyway!'

[Patriot]

ORIGINAL: Goose

Sorry to be the party pooper but please keep it clean and watch the language even if it is asterisked out.
Thank you

 
Agreed.  Let's be good stewards of this site. 

[OHhunter]

A teenage blonde who wanted to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing the neighborhood.  She went to the first door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  "Well, you can paint my porch," he said.  " How much you charge?"
 
" How about 50 bucks?" she answered.
 
The man agreed and told her the paint she would need was in the garage.  The man's wife overheard the conversation and said to her husband, " Does she relize the porch goes all the way around the house."
 
" She should, " the man replied " she was standing on it, when we talked."
 
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  "You're finished already?" he asked.
 
"Yes" the blonde answered, " and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."  Impressed the man reached into his pocket for $50.  "And by the way," the blonde added,  " that's not a porch it's a Ferrari."

[Wanderer]

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up – 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened?" I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer". I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it.
The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.
EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the dumbass that tried to rope the deer."

[Everyday Hunter]

Found this one on another forum. I'm from Pennsylvania, so I understand.

[color="#006600"]Three men get married. The first man married a woman from Michigan . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Missouri . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Pennsylvania . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.[/color]

[:D]Steve

[burnnurse1]

Wanderer, that was hilarious!!!

[passin through]

A farmer was having trouble with people stealing watermelons from his patch. So he came up with a scare tactic.  Right in the middle his field he put a big sign that said:
[hr]
                              WARNING
       One of these watermelons has been laced with POISON!!!!
[hr]

however the very next day he awoke to find his sign had been slightly modified:

[hr]                               WARNING
         TWO of these watermelons has been laced with POISON!!!
[hr]

[passin through]

Sorry in advance!!  I thought it too funny to be dirty but I'll delete if it offends!
Old Timer Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'< /B>



OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'



Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'



A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.



The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.



The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse m e, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'



Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'