Joke of the Day

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OHhunter
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby OHhunter » Tue Mar 03, 2009 5:08 pm

That's hilarious.  
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Brad

HUNT HARD, SHOOT STRAIGHT, CLEAN KILL APOLOGIZE TO NO ONE

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Wanderer
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby Wanderer » Fri Mar 06, 2009 1:52 am

[center]Survivor Southern Style[/center]
[size=2]Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor Southern Style".

 
 
The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.
 
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and large bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay", "I'm a Vegetarian", "NASCAR Sucks", "Go Yankees","Smoking is for Idiots", "Hillary in 2012", "Deer Hunting is Murder", and "I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.
[/size]

paulie
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby paulie » Sat Mar 07, 2009 1:25 pm

[blockquote]


[font=tahoma]Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home[/font]

[font=tahoma]when[/font][font=tahoma] an old Grandpa walked by.[/font]

[font=tahoma]And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
[/font][font=tahoma]

Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
[/font][/align]
[font=tahoma]
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
[/font] [/align][/align][/align][/align][/blockquote]

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Woods Walker
 
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Location: Northern Illinois

RE: Joke of the Day

Postby Woods Walker » Sat Mar 07, 2009 2:08 pm

ORIGINAL: Wanderer

[align=center]Survivor Southern Style[/align]
[size=2]Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor Southern Style".

 
 
The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.
 
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and large bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay", "I'm a Vegetarian", "NASCAR Sucks", "Go Yankees","Smoking is for Idiots", "Hillary in 2012", "Deer Hunting is Murder", and "I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.
[/size]

 
Good one! [:D]
 
And along the same lines.......
 
 
Do you know the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?
 
At the Northern zoo they have the common and latin names of the animals outside their cages.
 
At a Southern zoo they have recipes............   [:)]
 
************************************************************
 
 
 
How could you end the war with al Quaida in a weeks time?
 
Send a division of Louisiana bayou Cajuns to Pakistan, and tell them that the daily limit on al Quaidas is only 2, but "DE SHORE GOOD IN DE GUMBO!!!
 
They'll be wiped out in a week...at most!
Hunt Hard,

Kill Swiftly,

Waste Nothing,

Offer No Apologies.....

>>>--------------------------------->
NRA Endowment Life Member

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passin through
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby passin through » Tue Mar 10, 2009 4:35 pm

MAN & WIFE
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
[/align][/align]
It matters not the weapon nor its caliber, rather the caliber of the one who wields it.

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passin through
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby passin through » Wed Mar 11, 2009 8:44 am

The guys were all at a deer camp.No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."The next night it was a different guy's turn.In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and watched me all night."
It matters not the weapon nor its caliber, rather the caliber of the one who wields it.

paulie
 
Posts: 526
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby paulie » Thu Mar 19, 2009 4:05 pm

Never Argue with a Woman
 One morning, the husband returns the boat to their
 lakeside 
Cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take
 a nap.
 Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
 take the boat out.
  She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet
 up,
 And begins to read her book.
 The peace and solitude are magnificent.
 
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
  He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good
 morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 
 
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking,
 'Isn't that obvious?')
 
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he
 informs her. 
 
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.
 I'm reading.'
 
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
  For all I know you could start at any moment.
  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
 
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with
 sexual assault,' says the woman.
 
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game
 Warden.
 
 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For
 all I know you could start at any moment.'

 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
 
MORAL:     Never argue with a woman who reads.   
  It's likely she can also think.

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passin through
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby passin through » Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:16 pm

Little Johnny meets Hillary Clinton

Hillary was visiting a primary school and she visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the politician if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious former 1st lady asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Hill, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

I'm afraid not,' explained Hill. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Hillary searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mr. Clinton was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Mrs. C. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'
It matters not the weapon nor its caliber, rather the caliber of the one who wields it.

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OHhunter
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby OHhunter » Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:04 am

Divorce or Murder
> > >
> > > A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
> > pharmacy, walked up to
> > > the
> > > pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
> > "I would like to
> > > buy
> > > some cyanide."
> > >
> > > The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you
> > need cyanide?"
> > >
> > > The lady replied, "I need it to poison my
> > husband."
> > >
> > > The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
> > "Lord have mercy! I
> > > can't
> > > give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's
> > against the law! I'll lose
> > > my
> > > license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
> > kinds of bad things will
> > > happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
> > cyanide!"
> > >
> > > The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
> > picture of her husband
> > > in
> > > bed with the pharmacist's wife.
> > >
> > > The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
> > "Well now, that's
> > > different. You didn't tell me you had a
> > prescription."
Brad

HUNT HARD, SHOOT STRAIGHT, CLEAN KILL APOLOGIZE TO NO ONE

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MSHunter
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby MSHunter » Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:19 am

ORIGINAL: passin through

The guys were all at a deer camp.No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."The next night it was a different guy's turn.In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and watched me all night."


There are some goods jokes posted here, but I think this one is funniest yet.

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