Joke of the Day

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reeper0697
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby reeper0697 » Thu Mar 26, 2009 4:08 am

I love this topic of Joke of the Day.
 
 
 
[font="times new roman"]A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak... [/font]
[font="times new roman"][color=#000000]He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'
[/font][font=verdana] [/font][/color]
Put me on a mountain, way back in the backwoods
Put me on a lake with biggin' on the line
Put me around a campfire cookin' something I just cleaned

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OHhunter
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby OHhunter » Sun Mar 29, 2009 9:14 am

[center]The Other Stall  [/center][center]
This could happen to you!  [/center][center]I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?' [/center][center]I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doing' just fine!'[/center][center]And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'[/center][center]What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here. '  [/center][center]At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: 
'Can I come over?'[/center][center]Ok, this question is just too weird for me.  I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'[/center][center]Then I hear the person say, nervously: [/center][center]                    [color=#3300ff]'Listen, I'll have to call you back.  There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'    [/color][/center]
Brad

HUNT HARD, SHOOT STRAIGHT, CLEAN KILL APOLOGIZE TO NO ONE

Image

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Woods Walker
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby Woods Walker » Mon Mar 30, 2009 12:46 pm

This farmer had a surprise visit from the U.S Department of Labor, to make sure that he was paying all his help properly and that they weren't being abused in any way. They asked him how many people worked for him, full and part time.
 
"Well", he said, "I have two hands that work part time, which I pay $12.00 per hour to. During harvest time they work more, and I give them a bonus."
 
"That's sounds right", said the man from the government agent, "As long as your records support that. Anyone else?"
 
"Yeah there is", replied the farmer. "There's a half-wit that works 80 to 100 hours per week, sometimes not getting paid at all, and he has to sleep with the farm wife to get fed."
 
"Now that man I want to talk to!", said the government agent. "Where can I find him?"
 
The farmer replied, "Yer lookin' at him!"
Hunt Hard,

Kill Swiftly,

Waste Nothing,

Offer No Apologies.....

>>>--------------------------------->
NRA Endowment Life Member

paulie
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby paulie » Mon Mar 30, 2009 2:19 pm

Our Service Men Always Get It Right !!!!   
  
   
The Few. The Proud. The Accurate in their assessments.  

Who but the Marines could deliver something so poignant, so succinct, yet so eloquent? The violence of the USMC is only surpassed by its insight into delicate issues.  

Date: Tuesday, March 10, 2009, 8:54 PM last Tuesday, as President   
Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was   
carrying a baby piglet under each arm.  
     
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: 
"Nice pigs, Sir."  
     
The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic   
Arkansas Razorback Hogs...I got one for Secretary of State Hillary   
Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.  
   
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says: 
"Excellent trade, sir."

paulie
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby paulie » Mon Mar 30, 2009 2:59 pm

[font=arial] Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked [/font]
out a box of tampons & proceeded to the checkout counter. 

 The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old
are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used
for?'

 The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're
for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you
use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a
bike. Right now, he can't do none of those'.

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Woods Walker
 
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Location: Northern Illinois

RE: Joke of the Day

Postby Woods Walker » Mon Mar 30, 2009 3:35 pm

Back in the early 90's, when Clinton was downsizing the military, one of the things they did was to offer long time career high ranking officers early retirement. To spice it up a bit, they also added on a cash bonus based on the longest distance between two body parts, at a rate of $1000 per inch.
 
The first man up was an Army general. They explained the bonus deal to him, and then gave him the option of which body parts he wanted measured. He spread his arms apart, and then had the medic measure between the tips of his fingers on either hand.
 
"72 inches, sir. That would be a bonus of $72,000.00"
 
The next one up was a Navy admiral. He chose to stand on his toes, and stick his right arm straight up while extending his finger. A bit funny looking, but it measured 80 inches.
 
The last one was a grizzled, battle scared old Marine commander. They asked him what he wanted, and he replied,
 
I want you to measure from the tip of my nose, to my scrotum.
 
"But that's not very far, sir", said the medic.
 
"Did I studder, sonny?" the Marine fired back, "Do what I ordered....NOW!!"
 
"YES SIR!" replied the medic. "Please step behind that screen, remove what clothing you have to, and I'll be right there."
 
The Marine did so, and as the medic stepped behind the screen to measure him, he was taken aback by the shocking fact that the Marine had no scrotum!
 
"Oh my Lord, sir! Where's your scrotum!"
 
"VIETNAM, sonny, in a rice patty/mine field south of Saigon....now measure and PAY UP!!!!"
Hunt Hard,

Kill Swiftly,

Waste Nothing,

Offer No Apologies.....

>>>--------------------------------->
NRA Endowment Life Member

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tnt1960
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby tnt1960 » Fri Apr 03, 2009 1:34 pm

Today`s redneck word of the day is "OBAMA". "Last week, I went and bought a case of beer, and I drank it "OBAMA" self!" 
You can`t grill it till you kill it. For great sales/service, go to http://www.oneidabows.net/

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passin through
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby passin through » Mon Apr 06, 2009 8:35 am

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'


She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.[/align]
It matters not the weapon nor its caliber, rather the caliber of the one who wields it.

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passin through
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby passin through » Mon Apr 06, 2009 8:40 am

True story from the weekends fishing trip...


I was watching my 4 year old (almost 5 ...as he says) nephew struggle with the fine art of casting and reeling and a thought occured to me....So I asked him..

"young'un, are you right handed or left handed?"

He replied --- never taking his eyes off of his cork---- "Yessir, I got both"
It matters not the weapon nor its caliber, rather the caliber of the one who wields it.

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passin through
 
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RE: Joke of the Day

Postby passin through » Tue Apr 07, 2009 9:28 am

... An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years.
>
> He had a large pond in the back.
>
> It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
>
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
>
> He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
>
> As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee.
>
> As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.
>
> He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
>
> One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you
leave!'
>
> The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
>
> Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'


Some old men can still think fast.[:D]
It matters not the weapon nor its caliber, rather the caliber of the one who wields it.

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