Joke of The Day

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Woods Walker
 
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Joke of The Day

Postby Woods Walker » Sun Mar 11, 2012 6:19 pm

This fellow had always wanted to go to Mexico and see the sights. He booked a vacation for 10 days. On the first Sunday he was there he went to see a bullfight. After the bullfight he went to a restaurant across the street from the plaza where the bullfight occured.

As he was looking at the menu trying to decide what to order, he saw the waiter bring a dish to another patron that was seated at a table across from him. This dish has beans, rice, and all the other trimmings that most Mexican dishes have, but this one also had two baseball sized meat balls sitting on top of it. When the waiter came to take his order, he pointed to what this other diner was eating.

"I think I'll have what that man is having. That looks really good."

The waiter responded, "Oh senor, I so sorry, but we only serve one deesh of dat meal a week. Da man booked dat meal a week ahead. You see, eet is dey "cajones" of dee bool. De bool keeled in dee boolfight. You unnerstand?"

"Oh, I see. I do understand", said the man. "But it REALLY looks delicious, and I'm going to be here through the week, so I would like to book that meal for next week right now. Can I do that?"

"Oh si' senor! Berry good! I book eet now."

So the waiter took all the information. The man ordered and ate his meal, left the waiter a good tip and left. All week long he was thinking about that meal. Unfortunately he couldn't attend the bullfight that Sunday due to another event he was scheduled to go to, but he was at the restaurant right after the bullfight. He sat at his table, the waiter came over and greeted and and told him his meal was being prepared as they spoke. Anxious with expectation, he saw the waiter bring the tray out. When he set it before him on the table, disappointment swept over him, because there before him was that grand dish, but instead two baseball sized meatballs, were two meatballs that were about the size of large "shooter" marbles.

"What...what...is this? This isn't like what I saw here last week. What's going on?"

The waiter shrugged, and told him.....

"Sometimes, senor, dee bool....he ween....." :mrgreen:
Hunt Hard,

Kill Swiftly,

Waste Nothing,

Offer No Apologies.....

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woodsalta
 
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Re: Joke of The Day

Postby woodsalta » Wed Mar 21, 2012 7:36 am

An over weight man is looking through a men's magazine and spots an ad for a weight loss program. The ad states for $50 that he would be able to loose 10 pounds in one week. So when he gets home he calls the number, pays the $50 and the next day a beautiful brunette woman shows up at his front door wearing nothing at all exept for running shoes and a sign that says, "if you can catch me, you can have me." The man spends all week chasing the woman around the block and by the end of the first week he has lost 10 pounds.

He reads another ad from the same company a few days later that states for $100 he would be able to loose 20 pounds in a week. He calls the number again and pays the $100 and the next day an even more beautiful blonde woman shows up at his door wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign that says, "if you can catch me, you can have me." The man spends the next week chasing the woman around the block and by the end of the week he is amazed to see he has lost another 20 pounds.

He thinks to himself, "I wounder if they have another program where I could loose even more than the first two?" So he calls the number from the magazine and talks to the operator and signs up for the $200, 30 pound weight loss program. This time he knows what's coming and gets his best pair of running shoes on and when the doorbell rings that morning he whips open the door and there before him is a very large muscular man wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign that says, "if I catch you, I get to have you!"
A man with a gun is a citizen, a man without a gun is a subject.

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Woods Walker
 
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Re: Joke of The Day

Postby Woods Walker » Thu Mar 22, 2012 7:26 pm

A drunk staggers up his friend's driveway, where his friend is working on his car.
"What's wrong, Bub?" he asked
"Piston broke," came the reply.
The drunk says,
"Me to".....................

************************************************************************************************************************************

A blond's car isn't running right, so she brings it to a garage and leaves it so that the mechanic can look at it. She returns after a bit and asks...

"So is it a big deal? Can you fix it?

The mechanic tells her, "Naah, just crap in the carburetor."

"Okay", said the blond, "How often do I have to do that?"

********************************************************************************************************************************
Hunt Hard,

Kill Swiftly,

Waste Nothing,

Offer No Apologies.....

>>>--------------------------------->
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gatodoc
 
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Re: Joke of The Day

Postby gatodoc » Tue Mar 27, 2012 2:37 pm

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells' "You're scaring the hell out of all my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!" The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

woodsalta
 
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Re: Joke of The Day

Postby woodsalta » Fri Apr 06, 2012 3:40 pm

Has anyone heard the blonde mating call?
"I'm soooooo drunk!"

Has anyone heard the brunettes mating call?
"Did that blonde chick leave yet?"
A man with a gun is a citizen, a man without a gun is a subject.

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Ohio farms
 
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Re: Joke of The Day

Postby Ohio farms » Sat Apr 07, 2012 3:13 pm

Jake was dying. His wife sat at his bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something to confess."
"There is no need." his wife replied.
"No", he insisted. "I want to die in peace. I slept with your best friend and both of your sisters."
"I know", she replied, "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Keep life simple...if you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.

woodsalta
 
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Re: Joke of The Day

Postby woodsalta » Wed May 16, 2012 8:05 am

Phillipe decides to start a chicken farm. He goes to a friend of his who is also a chicken farmer and buys a dozen fertilized chicken eggs and brings them home. After a few weeks he is back at his friend's farm to buy another dozen ferilized eggs. His friend asks him, "Phillipe, what happened to the first dozen eggs I sold you?" Phillipe says, "Ia donta knowa, they justa didnta hatcha!" and off he goes back home. A few weeks later Phillipe is back to buy a nother dozen fertilized eggs and his friend asks, "Phillipe, you're still not having any luck with the eggs?" Phillipe says, "No, buta Ia thinka Ia knowa whata Ima doin'a wronga. Ia thinka Ima planting thema tooa deepa or too closea together!"


So Phillipe quits the chicken farming business and answers an ad for a utility pole installer with the electric company. He shows up for the interview and meets the Human Resourse Manager and after the interview he is one of two final candidates for the position they are hiring for. The HRM brings the two candidates into the office and tells them, "We are hiring only one of you two for the utility pole installer position we need filled. We are going to have both of you go out into the field and install as many pole as you can in one day. At the end of the day who ever has the most poles installed correctly will be hired." So the next day Phillipe and the other candidate arrive on time and head out to install as many poles as possible. At the end of the day they both come back and the HRM asks each of them how many poles they have installed. Phillipe proudly states " Ia installeda fivea polesa, nota tooa shabby eh?" The other candidtate says, "I installed twenty poles." The HRM is impressed with the twenty poles and asks Phillipe why he only installed five poles to which he responded, "Yesa, buta looka howa fara hisa polesa sticka outta the grounda!"
A man with a gun is a citizen, a man without a gun is a subject.

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Woods Walker
 
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Re: Joke of The Day

Postby Woods Walker » Tue Jun 19, 2012 5:11 pm

Don't know about Joke of The Day, but this certainly qualifies for Joke Of The Last 4 Years...........

"I (Barak Obama) do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

The only problem is.........THE JOKE'S ON US!!!! (And it ain't too damn funny either...) :evil:
Obama_Constitution.jpg
Obama_Constitution.jpg (21.19 KiB) Viewed 1564 times
Hunt Hard,

Kill Swiftly,

Waste Nothing,

Offer No Apologies.....

>>>--------------------------------->
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User avatar
Woods Walker
 
Posts: 4945
Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 10:21 am
Location: Northern Illinois

Re: Joke of The Day

Postby Woods Walker » Tue Jun 19, 2012 5:20 pm

obama-madison-constitution.jpg
obama-madison-constitution.jpg (107.95 KiB) Viewed 1560 times
Hunt Hard,

Kill Swiftly,

Waste Nothing,

Offer No Apologies.....

>>>--------------------------------->
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kellory
 
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Re: Joke of The Day

Postby kellory » Sun Dec 02, 2012 7:00 pm

Two hunters (Doug and Tom) ask for permission to hunt a beautiful farm. It has thousands of acres or fields, woods, hills, and streams. The pond draws ducks every year, and the game is seen everywhere. The hunters were welcomed by a hansom woman of middle years, and found she had lost her husband several years back, and he had hunted the land heavily, and she proudly displayed his trophies.
They were happily surprised when she suggested they sleep in the barn and not have the long drive in the early morning, and so they did quite happily! The hunting was magnificent! and they were allowed to return for next year.
Just before hunting season Tom gets a call from his lawyer that puzzles him. He calls Doug. "Doug, did something happen between you and the young farm widow? " Sheepishly he says yes. "And did you , by chance use MY name?" Again, sheepishly Doug says yes. Then Doug asks "Why, did she kick us off the farm or something?" "Nooo, says Tom "But she has died and left me everything!"
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.


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