Joke of the Day

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kellory
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby kellory » Tue Sep 06, 2011 8:37 pm

Same blond baught a new car, and as you know when you buy a new car the give you one set of keys and the other set comes with the paper work in a few days. Well not 2 hours after driving it off the lot, the blond calls the dealer to find out which window is cheapest to break. "Why on earth would you need to break any window on that brand new car?" He asked. " You have roadside assistance, and I will personally bring you the other set of keys. I can be there in 45 minutes!" I can't wait" she exclaimed. My FAMILY is trapped inside!"
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.

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CountryBoy55
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby CountryBoy55 » Wed Sep 07, 2011 7:11 am

A not-so-dumb-blonde joke:

A BLONDE AND A LAWYER

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York City. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The tired blonde just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a questin, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" the blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He hops on the Internet and searches Google and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leaves you speechless, remain that way. Say nothing and listen as heaven whispers, "Do you like it? I did it just for you." -- Max Lucado

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CountryBoy55
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby CountryBoy55 » Wed Sep 07, 2011 7:14 am

AMISH HUMOR

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish horse-drawn carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was this hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leaves you speechless, remain that way. Say nothing and listen as heaven whispers, "Do you like it? I did it just for you." -- Max Lucado

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kellory
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby kellory » Wed Sep 07, 2011 3:53 pm

A cop pulls over an Amish couple out dor a buggy ride. The cop spent a good long time complaining about violations of one kind and another, but was piticularly upset with the rope tied around the horses balls! He wrote them several tickets and yelled at them about animal cruelty, and stomped back to his cruiser, and took off. The woman says to her man, " OK, I can understand that we need reflectors, and rear view mirrors and the orange sign on the back of the buggy makes sense, but what was wrong with the emergancy brake?" :? :?
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.

woodsalta
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby woodsalta » Wed Sep 07, 2011 6:07 pm

A husband insists on making love in the dark. After 20 years the wife flips on the light and sees him there holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bastard!, how could you lie to me all these years?" The husband looks at her and says "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids...."
A man with a gun is a citizen, a man without a gun is a subject.

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kellory
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby kellory » Wed Sep 07, 2011 8:18 pm

The jester struggles to free himself... but he is up to his knees in muck. With each nervous joke he sinks deeper and deeper, "Oh my god, I'm in quip sand!" :o
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.

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kellory
 
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Location: Ohio

Re: Joke of the Day

Postby kellory » Sun Sep 11, 2011 8:07 am

Elk Hunting
Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before.

When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!"

The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.

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Wanderer
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Wanderer » Sun Sep 11, 2011 8:09 am

Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963 and Jim had a date with Peggy. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Jim in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?" "Iced tea, please," Jim said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" She asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. " Uh...really?" Jim replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!" "Is that so?" asked Jim, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Jim said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Jim. "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The damned dance is called the Twist!!!

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kellory
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby kellory » Sun Sep 11, 2011 8:12 am

Diary of a Deer Hunter
1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: CLICK.

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup; leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 PM: Meet bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Mess pants.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.
The only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker is observation. All the same data is present for both. The rest is understanding what you are seeing.

woodsalta
 
Posts: 240
Joined: Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:10 am
Location: Framingham, MA

Re: Joke of the Day

Postby woodsalta » Fri Sep 16, 2011 11:17 am

At a wedding, a young son goes to his mother and asks her, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother responds, "Son, it shows her fiends and relatives that the bride is pure."

He then double checks with his father, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
Dad looks at his son with a surprised look on his face and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
A man with a gun is a citizen, a man without a gun is a subject.

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