Advice Needed (Warning: Gross)

[longcarbine]

Adjust your diet.  Try not to eat too late.  I scanned the other post and some said that you can train your body....I believe that too.  It works.  As far as passing gas in the stand..Me and my buddy was filming a hog hunt a few years back and some does came walking in.  I couldn't hold it in and let her rip.  Sounded like a busted up Tuba.  That old doe would look, smell and go back to eating.  We about fell out of the tree laughing![:D]

[dxthunter57]

quote:

ORIGINAL: OHhunter

Mountain dew does it for me in the morning and it only takes about 10 or fifteen minutes to kick in. Drink it when first get up, eat you breakfast, load up your truck, RUN to the bathroom and hang on (I'd also suggest turning on the fan), then take your scent free shower. You don't want any lingering odors.

 
 
hahahahahahaha hang on lol
 

[DoeEyed]

JPH, I applaud your courage in starting a thread like this. Not only is it entertaining but informative as well![:D]

[shaman]

Now that this thing has gone 3 pages, I'll go ahead and wade in.

First off, I won't go as far as saying that #2 is a deer attractant. However, I have been busted more times than I care to  count.  There is nothing like yielding to the call of nature and suddenly getting a snort from the nearby cedars.  In some cases, I've been actually been able to score after an incident.  It's funny.  I dunno, but I think deer are somewhat curious about how we do it.

I am similarly afflicted with a morning call, although it is not as much of a problem as some.  I have gone as far as putting up an outhouse within a few hundred yards of several of my favorite stands.  It comes in might handy.  If you all take me up on my offer to visit over Memorial Day this coming year, you will find it on the edge of the family campground.  The women especially like it.  I frequently visit it as I am on my way out in the late morning during turkey and deer season.






This topic has been cropping up on forums for years.  I've read some pretty scrofulous stories.  One fellow had a buddy with a medical condition-- we won't go any further on that one.  In another case, there was a discussion of exactly how to do it off of a treestand.  The conclusion I have made is that dropping a deuce in the woods is not such a big problem.  If you go a little ways downwind and try and cover it up a bit with a rock or a log, it is no big deal. All you are going to be out is a quarter of an hour and the trouble of getting in and out of the stand.

I will give you some good advice:  if you're in a treestand, and bundled up in 3-4 layers ( including a wool union suit, coveralls, and insulated bibs, etc.)  do not-- REPEAT: DO NOT!!!-- think you can wait.  Don't ask why I'm giving this advice.  You do not want the whole story.

The way I've partially  whipped the problem is by setting my alarm early for a couple weeks prior to the start of season, and getting my body acclimated.  I get up, eat breakfast and putter around a bit.  I finish my second cup of coffee as I'm getting dressed. Usually, just as I am about ready to leave for the stand, I get the welcome call. One morning this year, I was just through the gate and on my way to the stand.  No problem. I just went back up to the house and was back on the trail fifteen minutes later.  Part of the whole thing is exercise.  Your body is cuing off when you get vertical and moving around.  It isn't so much the absolute time (8-9 AM), but it's relative to when you get up and get out of bed, eat, etc. 

I am lucky in that my bedroom is less than a half-mile from my farthest stand.  Getting in a truck and riding an hour or two exacerbates the problem.  You get up, get moving, and then sit folded up in a car seat. Then x:xx later the call happens.  If this is you, I would a) get up early as I said and putter around the house or b) get up early, drive to where you're going and move around before going to the stand.

Either way, don't go into the woods without toilet paper.

[Woods Walker]

Either way, don't go into the woods without toilet paper.

 
And this, my friends, is this thread's final ending statement.
 
Simply put, nothing more needs to be said on the topic!!!!

[Nubs]

I have a story. You all may or may not think differently of me after I share it but who cares, I believe I am among friends.

This last season it was around the end of Oct. I had gotten up for a morning bow hunt. It was a cool morning and the wind was perfect for me to sit on one of my favorite stands next to a standing corn field.

I get up in my stand while it is still dark, get strapped into the tree and hang my bow up. I am standing there for few minutes listening to see if I can hear any deer moving in the corn when I get that feeling way down deep inside. You all know the one, it kind of gurgles and you can feel it churning. My first thought is, "You have got to be kidding me, I just got strapped in and everything just feels right." So I decide to try and ignore it but the feeling starts getting worse. I soon find my self doing the "Thai squeeze" to keep it all in.

I sit down to squelch the feeling and it eventually goes away. I starting getting enough light to see so I decide to stand back up so I am ready in case something starts moving by. Well that gurgling, bubbly feeling kicks back in and this time with a vengeance, so I quickly sit back down, but now it doesn't go away. I realize I have a serious issue on my hands and I must act quickly before all is lost.

I unstrap from the tree, and as quickly as possible climb down my tree. I realize my time is running out as all this extra movement has me losing my grip. I fumble for the buckles on my HSS and just as I unsnap both of them I have an eruption in my pants and all is lost. Yes, I know, I just pooped myself.[8|] Here I am standing at the base of my tree trying to hang on to any pride or dignity I may have left, but there is none.

I gather all my gear and make the 300 yard walk back to my truck. Thank God I was waring long underwear. The cuffs on the ankles were the only thing keeping my poo out of my boots. Yes, most of it slid down my leg and made for a miserable walk to my truck. I get back to my house which is only a mile from were I hunt, I hop in the shower to rinse myself and my clothes off. I then throw them into the washer for some more rinsing and washing. I figure it is still early I will jump back into bed for a little longer and contemplate all that went wrong this morning. I jump in and my wife says you are home early, did you get one? All I said was don't ask.

[shaman]

As I said in my earlier post:

I will give you some good advice: if you're in a treestand, and bundled up in 3-4 layers ( including a wool union suit, coveralls, and insulated bibs, etc.) do not-- REPEAT: DO NOT!!!-- think you can wait. 

Thanks for sharing.  This was the first post I read after waking up.  There are now brown stains on the inside of my eyelids.

As I may have mentioned before, I took up deer hunting after retiring from caving as a hobby.  This is another one of those things that cavers have over deer hunters. Caving has the added combination of A) tainted water B) cavers normally travel in groups C) you can be stuck in a single file line belly crawling for an hour or more.  You get around a few old cavers  . . .

. . .and this is only surpassed by the stories you get from old war vets.  One night I got stuck between a guy who'd been in the Solomons and another guy who'd been just north of The Bulge.  They were arguing about which was worse: The Jungle or The Cold.   There are brown stains on my mind that no thoughts of puppies playing in the sunshine will ever be able to erase.

MONKEY BUTT

Let me just add a couple of other practical thoughts to this thread.  As I said, I've been watching threads like this on hunting forums for years.   As one is an outgrowth of the other, you see the topic of "Monkey Butt" coming up.   First off:  cleanliness is the first line of defense as well as the best cure. Second: Running water is the best way to achieve this. There is nothing like a cold mountain stream, but they are sometimes hard to come by. Third:. . .  wait a second.  I know there are a lot of young fathers out there.  I want you to do me a favor.

If you have a kid still in diapers, I want you to go into the nursery and find the baby wipes.  I want you to take one of the wipes and take it into the bathroom and try it on yourself.  Just humor me.  Go do it--this is for your kids. One of two scenarios will happen:

1)  You  sat down on the commode, applied the baby wipe and although it was a bit cold, it was refreshing.  Go back in the nursery and take note of this brand.  Take some along with you on the next hunting trip. A few of these in a sandwich Ziploc can really make your day, and help you wash up afterwards.

2)  You sat down on the commode, applied the baby wipe and suddenly found that someone had just hit your sphincter with a blowtorch.  You do a dance  across the bathroom with your trousers down.  You grab a towel rod and rip it off the wall.  Then sanity returns and you realize that maybe if you get something to make it evaporate quicker, it will stop hurting. Some men fan with their hands. Some men use a hair dryer.  Then you reach a startling conclusion:

NOW WONDER THAT KID DOESN'T LIKE TO HAVE HIS DIAPER CHANGED!!!

Find a new brand of baby wipe. Just because it has a baby or a daisy on the label doesn't mean it won't hurt you.  The brand that gave me the epiphany even said  "Alcohol Free."  Sadly, I had this realization a few years after the youngest of my three sons was well out of diapers.  At the earliest possible opportunity, I gathered all three boys together and apologized for the years of torture.  Thankfully they had been too young to remember, and had no idea what I was talking about and just thought I was nuts.

Beyond cleanliness, a tube of diaper rash ointment in the shaving kit is a good idea.  If this is not available, nearly any cooking grease will do. I have even stolen a smidge of  bullet lube for my muzzleloader.  Be careful with hand lotion. It may have alcohol in it as well.

If you have severe monkey butt, I have another hint for you all.  I will make few product endorsements in my life.  This one is going to be the most heartfelt of all:  Nupercainal Ointment.  A tube will last the average guy half his lifetime. It is a OTC hemorrhoid preparation that contains a hefty dose of dibucaine anesthetic. Not only does it do a miraculous job on monkey butt, but it also is a fairly decent burn salve. My grandfather turned me on to the stuff.  Put some electrical tape around the top of the tube. This is not a preparation you want to mix up with toothpaste in the dark.  Don't ask how I know.

[Bowtechian]

Holy crap Nubs, we must be real good friends.[:D] I had a similar story, but threatened to kill the witness if he "EVER" told anyone.[;)]

[Everyday Hunter]

A very moving thread. (Yeah, I know, this bumps it to the top.)

About these various remedies, I'll say only that they remind me of some lyrics by Tom T. Hall...
"I tried them all, when I was young, and in my natural prime.
Now, it's old dogs, and children, and watermelon wine."

Steve

[Woods Walker]

ORIGINAL: Everyday Hunter

A very moving thread. (Yeah, I know, this bumps it to the top.)

About these various remedies, I'll say only that they remind me of some lyrics by Tom T. Hall...
"I tried them all, when I was young, and in my natural prime.
Now, it's old dogs, and children, and watermelon wine."

Steve

OR......
 
"Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, and more money...."
 
Or maybe it's.....
 
"Older money, faster women, younger horses, and more money?"  [:D]  [;)]