Hunting traditions have existed for millenniums. Throughout time, these have culminated into proliferated practices. Some are practical, others are amusing, and there are those that are downright wretched. This collection of customs produces a need for rule of law. And thus, we present the 18 Commandments of Deer Camp. If these edicts aren’t adhered to, all bets are off.

1. Thou Shalt Invite Guests with Great Care

Anyone with a history of bullying, cheating, lying, poaching, ratting, or tantruming can’t come. And any turd who brings such a dingleberry is subject to severe punishment, including but not limited to: cleaning the outhouse, using the bunk by the privy, gutting all deer and/or swabbing every smoke pole in camp to a sparkly shine.

2. Thou Shalt Bring Plenty of Grub, Bullets and Banter

Is it really deer camp if the walls aren’t lined with ammo, food, firearms and jesters? Harumph if it isn’t. And by the way, never entrust cooking duties to the skinniest, fattest or unfunniest of the bunch. The first couldn’t rustle up with an Easy Bake. The second won’t leave anything but crumbs. And who wants an uncomical cook?

3. Thou Shalt Eat Beans and Other Flatulent Foods with Caution

I’ve been in camps so noxious an N95 wouldn’t save you. Things so malodorous as pintos and black eyed peas have no place. So please, leave the artichokes, asparagus, beans, brussel sprouts, cabbage, curry, garlic, horse radishes, tuna and reheated Chinese food at home. And for heaven’s sake, don’t burn the Orville Redenbacher.

Read: Delicious Deer Camp Recipes

4. Thou Shalt Never Sass the Camp Chef, Even If He Needs It

Never complain about a meal within earshot of the camp chef. If you do, or even so much as look crossways at the guru of grubs, chances are good they just might load you up with something unsavory.

5. Thou Shalt Never Backtalk the Camp Boss, Unless He Needs It

It’s kind of like Madagascar around here. We live on an island, and everyone votes, but only the boss’s counts. The same holds true for most hunt camps. There’s a false sense of democracy, and you’d best remember it. But, when the boss gets abhorrent, perhaps an unseating of the ignoramus is in order?

6. Thou Shalt Take Adequate Responsibility

Everyone pulls their weight around here, skinny and fat people alike. No one gets a free pass, not even the camp candybutt. Put your back into it and drag that deer, maggot.

7. Thou Shalt Take No Showers While in Attendance

Anyone who showers at deer camp is either a sissy from the city, or one of those new-age deer hunters who wears flat bills and skin-tight hunting clothes. Both are equally disgusting.

8. Thou Shalt Never Be the Youngest or Dumbest

Ah, I truly feel for the most adolescent and unlettered hunters in camp. Such individuals have a rough week ahead. Go easy on ’em, y’all.

9. Thou Shalt Put Newcomers First (Sort Of)

In an age where hunter numbers are declining, it’s paramount to grow our ranks. Of course, that means bringing new people. Make sure the experience is a grand one, but make them earn it. Commandment No. 8 takes precedence.

10. Thou Shalt Tell Only Hilarious, Half-True Tales

Every storyteller at deer camp must meet prerequisites. Only uproarious chronicles qualify, and all witless individuals sit in the back to generate filler laughter.

11. Thou Shalt Build the Finest Flame Man Has Ever Seen

If you can’t make red fire, turn around now, head south on Softie Circle, merge onto Wimpy Byway, take the offramp onto Snowflake Avenue. Follow that all the way to 123 Milquetoast Terrace. That is all.

12. Thou Shalt Not Drive, Hunt or Shoot While Inebriated

Touch the booze, and lose the boom stick. It’s that simple. No jests, jokes or double entendres. Drunkards can leave after sobering back up.

13. Thou Shalt Humiliate Anyone Who Misses a Deer

Shirt tails in the basket. Mug shots on the chalkboard. Whatever the price, anyone who misses must pay up. This isn’t an option.

14. Thou Shalt Not Take Selfies — Only Photos of Bucks and Other Dead Stuff

We all know that guy who takes more treestand selfies than trophy photos. There isn’t a dead thing anywhere on his Instagram account, but he’s surely upped his face-paint game within the past 752 posts.

15. Thou Shalt Not Leave Camp Without Effectively Ticking Off Someone

A good prank is the heartbeat of a fun deer camp. And it isn’t a good one unless someone gets red-faced and flabbergasted. Rubber snakes in sleeping bags. Plastic-wrapped toilet seats. Doe urine under the bunk. Fake target bucks on trail cameras. Buck decoys at dawn. All of these and more belong at deer camp. Just don’t recover someone else’s deer before they have a chance to. But, if you do, replace it with a big, fat doe someone already brought back to camp. Then, enjoy the blood trail.

16. Thou Shalt Resolve All Quarrels with Fists and Biceps

No need to brandish swords or switchblades. The pirates are all dead for a reason. We settle things like men now. Sort out all disputes with arm wrestling and rock-paper-scissors.

17. Thou Shalt Not Go Home Without Getting 5 Pounds Fatter

You can’t depart until the scale reads 5 pounds fatter. No matter how much you intake, or how little you defecate, that process takes about a week. Get what I’m saying?

18. Thou Shalt Leave Deer Camp, and the Deer Woods, Better Than You Found Them

All fun aside, be a good steward. Conserve the wildlife. Appreciate the people. Foster the traditions. All of these things fade with time. It’s a finite world we live in. But that makes it that much more mesmeric. So, cherish deer camp this season. Have no regrets, but have all of the fun.