I’m not a CNN correspondent, but I’ll play one in this blog installment.

First, cue up some macabre opening art. Perhaps an image of an apple-cheeked boy with a torn-paper effect and a smoking iPhone neatly sewn into the gap via Photoshop.

Next, take a few minutes to compose a shocking 120-point (that’s for all you print dinosaurs) headline:

HOW THE INTERNET SHATTERED MY CHILDHOOD!

and, of course, an equally gripping intro blurb:

When children’s souls are killed by smartphones, tablets and unyielding access to the worldwide web, grieving parents often the focus on everything but the real culprits: themselves. This is their untold story.

(Insert sound of a cassette tape in hyper-reverse mode here)

No, not doing that. Because it’s sensationalism at its best. And complete BS at its worst.

I get it: It’s an election year. Guns and gun violence make for catchy headlines, sound bites and, inevitably, the holy grail of page views and return visits for websites, not to mention “likes”, shares and comments on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Youtube. But the intense focus on the guns themselves and not the putrid culture in which we live is so out of whack it’s not even funny.

Yeah, that’s me in the photo at the top of this page. It was one of the happiest days of my childhood: Dec. 18, 1977. I remember that day so vividly because it came on the heels of me receiving the best birthday present a boy could ever ask for: A gun.

Go ahead, all you gunphobes, and gasp all you want. Make snide comments about my folks if you wish. The sad truth (for you) is that they not only raised seven kids (ruminate on that while you’re whining about raising one or two on three times the income) who all went on to become successful, productive and community-minded individuals who all grew up respecting firearms and the freedom they afford us.

That freedom was originally granted so we could protect ourselves from tyranny. The fact that it doubles as a way to procure natural protein is just gravy on that hasenpfeffer.

Rant over.